No matter where you live in this great big wide world just know that somebody-your church, government, family, Facebook friends-doesn’t want you looking at porn. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but sex seems a pretty powerful thing and some folks just don’t want you to enjoy it, or at the very least enjoy the filmed reproduction of such a powerful diversion. Here are just some of the places porn has been under attack lately and from whom….with a ‘happy ending’ coda for us all proud Americans.

Nigeria

In be-happy-you-don’t-live-there or if-you-do-it-might-be-time-to-get-out news, it seems the Nigerian government is giving close consideration to banning and blocking all porn websites in that country. Their National Security Adviser, Col. Sambo Dasuki, though retired, claims the Federal Government of Nigeria is about to introduce a law for a country-wide big ban on porn. Dasuki claimed in a speech at a workshop on social media that: “Government is planning to ban and block websites that inculcate negative attitudes in our children but we need a law to support such a move. Because without a law, people can go to court and claim infringement on their rights.”

UK

Recently consolidating DVD sales with online porn, the startling (for most) end-of-2014 regulations of the UK’s Audiovisual Media Services really snapped quite a few heads-around (and caused a sit-on-your-face sit in on front of Parliament). The British government now views certain activities in film of a “high risk” nature and is considering a ban on: spanking, caning, aggressive whipping, penetration by any object “associated with violence” (whatever this means) physical or verbal abuse (regardless of consent!), Urolagnia (“water sports”), role-playing as non-adults (nope, you can’t call anybody ‘daddy’ in a film in the UK anymore) physical restraint, humiliation, female ejaculation (just lie there and be quiet and if you, God forbid, orgasm, do so demurely like a nice lady!), strangulation, facesitting and fisting. There was a proposal from Prime Minister David Cameron last year that all UK online porn should be blocked, so it’s no real surprise things have gotten to this point. But according to that country’s The Telegraph “the Department for Culture, Media and Sport recognized that the new system might lead to some loss of British business.”

Ya think?

China

Touting their great win on pornography in 2014, the Chinese government boasts that “8,344 cases involving pornography and illegal publications have been dealt with” as well as a whopping 30,000 arrests made in the country’s southern Guangdong Province in a two month period for porn and gambling. The ominous-sounding National Office Against Pornographic and Illegal Publications, taking their orders from Liu Yunshan and the Central Leading Group for Propaganda and Ideological Work has been hard at work here.

China bound, anybody?

US

Not to worry…here at least. Surely in 2014 we saw quite a bit of controversy over mandatory condom use in pornographic films and as usual a whole bunch of people leveled porn-once again-for any number of society’s ills, still the 2015 AVN awards went off without a hitch last Saturday night. See the winners here: http://avnawards.avn.com/pages/5 and be proud you are an American.